Devolver Digital Announces Loot Boxes, Games, the Creation of Cyborg Nina Struthers
I watched a murder and I didn’t blink.
Preston Dozsa |
Jun 11, 2018
Every year, we gather at the Dave Lang Memorial Center to remember the greatest man who ever lived, Dave Lang, as part of the Devolver Digital Press Conference. To be clear, the publisher has only done one press conference before, but it’s the thought that counts.
How did Devolver Digital memorialize Dave Lang this year? Read on to find out.
We Witnessed a Murder
Devolver began their press conference with a new CEO, whose name I forgot due to his short lifespan. That’s because the new CEO was promptly murdered by Nina Struthers, the host of the company’s 2017 E3 Press Conference. She just walked up on stage and broke the new CEO’s neck—which was pretty tame as far as Devolver Digital’s standards go.
Gratuitous Quote of the Segment: “Shut your mouth you miserable piece of human garbage.” – Nina Struthers
After the pre-tapped murder, Struthers began the conference with a short trailer for SCUM, an open world survival game that I got the chance to check out at PAX East 2018. The new trailer revealed little, but it did have a giant mech, zombies, and a crazy dude wearing a bear head, which is more than I can say for most trailers. It will hit Early Access on the PC later this summer.
Devolver Digital Introduces LootBoxCoin
Two of the biggest things to happen to video games in the past year were the rise of loot boxes and cryptocurrency. Loot boxes reached their peak with their disastrous implementation in Star Wars Battlefront II, while cryptocurrency in video games is only relevant to journalists like me, who has received dozens of emails on the subject. In an unprecedented move, Struthers announced that Devolver Digital had combined the two to create LootBoxCoin.
Gratuitous Quote of the Segment: “LootBoxCoin is available on the Devolver Digital store, for a price that changes every hour, on the hour.” – Nina Struthers
“It’s Pronounced ‘Jif’, not ‘Gif'”
The conference was interrupted by a gentleman in the audience who attempted to correct Struthers on the correct pronunciation of ‘Gif’. He was promptly lit on fire by a flamethrower-wielding CEO. RIP Jif Man 2018-2018.
Gratuitous Quote of the Segment: “Fssssshhhhh” – Flamethrower
My Friend Pedro
Believe it or not, Devolver Digital released a second actual trailer during their press conference for My Friend Pedro, a game about a man who will “obliterate anything in his path at the behest of a sentient banana.” That’s a sentence I never thought I’d type, but it will be available for the Nintendo Switch and PC in early 2019.
The Devolver Digital Entertainment System Classic
Remember how publishers and console makers have released remaster after remaster over the years? Or, in Nintendo’s case, released console collections to appeal to your deep and abiding nostalgic love for the games you grew up with?
Well Devolver Digital has now tapped that market with the Devolver Digital Entertainment System Classic, a console that collects 25 of the publisher’s games and is absolutely not a Sega Dreamcast. Nope, not a Sega Dreamcast. Nothing to see here. Pay no attention to the boy getting viciously beaten with a baton.
Gratuitous Quote of the Segment: “You are paying triple-sticker price to some creep selling them out of his car, next to a dumpster, out behind Taco Bell. And not the nice Taco Bell, but the sketchy one that sells fried chicken and pizza and always smells faintly of a mop bucket filled with purple drink and puke.” – Nina Struthers
Metal Wolf Chaos XD
Devolver’s final game reveal of the evening was a remaster of FromSoftware’s insane 2004 mech game Metal Wolf Chaos. Seriously, this is not a joke.
For those who are unaware of this ridiculous game, it involves the President of the United States of America defending the country with a giant mech suit. Set to come out later this year on PC, Xbox One, and PlayStation 4, the game’s URL is MechAmericaGreatAgain.com, which is absolutely amazing.
Nina Struthers is Dead. Long Live Nina Struthers
As the conference came to a close, Struthers came back on stage with her signature gore and blood covered look to both wish everyone well and scream at people to spend their money on Metal Wolf Chaos XD. But as the credits played in reverse, Struthers was ambushed by a survivor of last years E3 Press Conference, who used his new gatling gun arm to literally shoot Struthers more than 100 times.
But this appears to not be the end for our favourite press conference host. It looks as though Struthers has been converted into a cyborg, though what that means for Devolver Digital is unclear. All I can say is, the 2019 E3 Devolver Digital Press Conference will be just like RoboCop 3 – Plenty of CGI, and even more flanderization.
Gratuitous Quote of the Segment: “You’re gonna be one bad motherfucker.” – Some guy in a jacket.
Stay tuned to CGMagazine for all the latest updates from E3 2018. Check out or coverage of the EA Play Conference and the new Gears of War Games.